Two things were looming over me before I began:
1). I have been fortunate enough not to have to wake up at the crack of dawn for a long time, so the 6am was going to be an adjustment, and 2). The thought of everyone and their brother's uncle seeing my before and after pictures in the media
So interestingly, it was not the workout itself being too hard that scared me. Certainly I knew the workouts would not be easy but I took comfort in knowing there were other people in the same boat. Did I stop to think they might be freaked out about concern #2 as well? Not really, I guess we are all in our own heads when it comes to self-consciousness. We don't really stop to look around and realize we are all human and have our own insecurities and issues to work through, no matter who we are and what kind of shape we are in.
I had this daunting thought of people I knew opening the paper and seeing my before and after pictures. The thought of how mortifying it would be was ruminating in my mind so much though that Stacey had to pull me aside and ask me if I was going to be ok with this. What a great opportunity I had before me, was I going to blow it basically because I am afraid of how I might be judged?
Well the question is- who exactly is it that I am worried about judging me when seeing those photos? Not my friends because otherwise they wouldn't be my friends. I think I was more worried about the 2 degrees of separation in Santa Barbara people- you know the ones you see around but don't really know, or maybe I was worried about people I hadn't even met yet. So was I worried that these people who I don't consider to be friends would think what- I was out of shape and then I wasn't? Therefore concluding what exactly? If I am going to be judged physically by anyone why would I want to know them? If I am going to be judged negatively that I had the balls to do this, same answer! I keep referring back to an amazing article I read that I keep referring back to http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/ where the very first item is this:
Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friend
I am going to have many mantras while I go through this journey. Epiphanies like I had today that it is mental just as much as it is physical and it is like having an "out of body experience" - where I can mentally disconnect from my body for a minute and not make it my identity.
So while I am already sore, it feels good. I am not drinking alcohol presently and have been making healthy choices with what I eat this week. I am doing something positive for myself and if people are short-sighted enough to judge me either way, they are the wrong people.
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